I wonder what it’s really like to drop the struggle, she said. Is that even a thing?
What if I stop being who I think I have to be in order to be loved? Will the people I adore still love me? Will I care?
This isn’t some kind of self-pity dance, she assured them. Quite the opposite. For the first time in as long as she could remember, probably in forever, she was actually on the cusp of feeling into who she actually was. And she was so very close to not caring what anyone else thought.
I’ve worked so hard for all I have, she said. But it didn’t get me what I thought I needed: acceptance, admiration, love. Yes, my external world shows that, but that means I have to keep up this act. What if it’s not really me? Who am I even?
I define who I am, but what is it I really want?
WHAT DO I WANT?
Peace.
Calmness.
Tranquility.
Laughter.
Ease.
She recognized that it wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy or value being uncomfortable and outside of her comfort zone because she adored growth. It excited her.
No, it was that she had been in the depths of struggle that felt traumatic so often that she was burned out.
And maybe that was good.
Maybe that led to this moment where she said: fuck the struggle that is traumatic.
And she decided that what she wanted didn’t even matter anymore. Because she felt certain that she would continue on but in a very different, deliberate way.
She was going to say NO to anything that reignited the trauma in her. And then, when she was calm and had had the time to release her pent up negative emotions, she would revisit the situation from a place of peace.
She knew that decisions made from her centeredness served her well.
And she was wasn’t available for anything other than that.
xoxoxo
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